"Dream About The Days To Come" - 5

I've enjoyed pleasures tonight
self-indulging pleasures.
Food: pasta to perfection
shrimp, chicken, fries
and wine. All shared at
our dinner table
The mood very tense as
they talked about
a stupid washed out
lesson- or someone
who can't focus and
can't be self-sufficient
enough to finish the work
himself. These children
the ones that fail school
and have their parents
do the work for them. These kids...
what will happen to them
once out of college?
Will their mommies help
then, because they
certainly will hand-feed
them in college. Theses boys
and girls don't know.
They have no grasp on
the real world
only marked by a
mother that yells and
screams, but eventually gives in
and this teaches no lesson.

I slept most of the day
to escape them. But i also
read something. Slowly my
search is getting broader
and my steps are getting
quicker to what I'm looking for.
The book is teaching me
love, pleasure, devotion. I've been
brainwashed
into believing
that there is
only one
way to
God.
But we are part of
the univers and
there are many parts
weather we wish to believe
them or not. I must take them.
Someone told me once "I
think we all have to find our
own spiritual paths" And suddenly
it began to make very strange
very warm, and
very clear
sense.

Yet tomorrow
my parents ask me
to go back to that place.
Not that i hate it there
But I'm searching for my
way to God. It will
be my first time back
since my portrayal of the
evil Reverend. I am not
ready.
In preparation every night
for the role- to build my anger to
all good, I'd repeat back in my head all
the things that were taught to me
that i never
agreed
with.
EVER!
but was
forced down
my throat
because it
was the
"only way"
narrow-minded
ill-confident
selflessness.
Afraid of our
own shadows.
Afraid of what
our body
tells us.
Repressing
our feelings
they must be sins.

God is here
He is real
He wants me
I must find my
path to him...

The fifth day brought me
closer to you than
i've ever been.

If you can hear me
study the japa mala
and pick one up
for me
if
you get a change
you are in my prayers