My Sixty-Seventh Time

Remember my first blog?
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"My First Time"
This is my first blog (but not my first blog ever)
I frequent myspace and facebook wayy too much
it's 12:00am and here we are...
this may have been the most forgettable halloween ever.
school tomorrow
practice
still waiting for that acceptance letter from Rowan
it's a wonderful life
and now i'm single...

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"My Sixty-Seventh Time"
This is my sixty-seventh blog (but not by any means my last)
I drink, talk, write, learn, read, sing, act, question, and live wayy too much
it's 11:00pm and here we are...
i dont remember last halloween, but the time in between was wild
gonna do something wild tomorrow
practice sunday
just registered for my second semester at Rowan
i dont know where my life is
but i do know that
it's a wonderful life
and now...

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"New Bridge in a glory of fire"

"Amid the thunder of cannon and the
cheers of a vast multitude of enthusiastic
people assembled from all parts of the
greater city and its suburbs,
while a huge American flag
was unfurled on each of the towers,
Mayor Low, at 2:43 o'clock yesterday afternoon,
pronounced the new Williamsburg Bridge open to public use."
(NYTimes, 12.20.1903)

flying

half spoken and half signed
a friend told me a story today
----

There are two flies on two separate walls
one fly is orange and one fly is blue.
the walls are white.
One day, the orange fly takes
a liking to the blue fly and flutters
over to the blue fly, makes a friendship
then flies back to its wall.
the next day, starting at hour one,
the blue fly goes and visits the orange fly.
and eventually drifts back to his own wall.
for every hour after that, the blue fly
flies over to visit the orange fly.
by the 23rd hour, the blue fly is tired
of flying over to see the orange fly, but
still manages. upon reaching the
orange fly, he notices a red fly
with the orange fly.
oh, the orange fly is still happy to see his
friend of constant visitation, in fact, is enamored
with the blue fly, but simply
kept the red fly around
when the blue fly was not there.
finally realizing the orange fly never
came over to his wall...
what did the blue fly do??

...fly away...

hahaha, funny stuff
----
thats the gist
of this joke
i might have gotten
some of it mixed up
but for the most part
that was it

i hope thats what it was.

"today is wide open
today is a dream" s&c b

the shower

i just showered
cleansed from
time behind
water drips
forming quiet
diamonds on my
dirty body
wondering how
i survive too much
and thanking
stamina for keeping
me on my toes.

i'm clean now
save a little dark
spot on the inside
but its difficult to
get everything in
one sitting.
pity and happiness
are the two new
feelings.

not sadness.

"This may sound naive. But-is our
life ever to have any reality?
Are we ever going to live on
the level OR is life always to
be something else, something
different from what it should be?"
-ayn.rand

hope (reposted)

francis and mary
what you must have
been like when you were
younger. i can only imagine
from what they tell me.
i shouldnt even think
about it, but people
are people
and lately, i fail to see aging
i've learned to see the good
in people. and i'll miss you two.
i didnt think you two would be
the first to go, and god knows
its a terrible job, but for the
various people i meet in my
life, i will miss you both.

this, however, I am reposting because i
needed to re-read it tonight after various
sips of booze and remembering it's a depressant.
which only adds to it, i feel like all i have left is
written words...
---
hope
july 15, 2008

hope
a belief in a
positive outcome
implying a certain
level of despair
and our existence
relies on our thoughts
or choice of what we
make with our hands
or the numbers we
dial or the questions
we constantly pen on
our papers.

"never never lose hope" -Rnnr.

"What do you hope you
could have more than
anything?" -L.W.

these vibrations beneath
my fingertips, these
strains and chords
like life with prolonged
good times ending on
a sweet vibrato

running through
broken chords
now with little
verse
scraping for
balance between
the external
and internal
or is our change
relative?

who do we have
anymore next to us
to protect each other
or cling to with our
hope lullabies

"When you cry, I'll be there baby
telling you were never nothing less than beautiful
So dont you worry
I'm your Angel standing by" - jkilcher
---

detached

..........
.........
........
.......
......
.....
....
...
..

.

i cant even
move my fingers
to punch out the next
letter of the next word
of the next sentence of
the next idea of the next
phrase of the next parable
of the next story of the next
question of the next hyperbole
of the next feeling i wish not to feel.
but here i am sitting in a library with
the worst access to the world i foolishly
punch into and slide through, getting attracted
like a white magnet gravitizing all of the negativity
in this world. I'm sorry, an unfortunate connection like
me would cloud the professional world of today with silliness.
if only i could figure out how to grow up and know when and where
to begin and weather or not this sick stupidity of mine could float far away

"a scene badly written
in which i must play."
-s&g wednesday morning 3am

lies

i feel like
a spade
shovel went through
my torso and
scooped out
everything it
could
leaving a
back-bone
and a brain

and even though
a brain is all
i have left
i still am
listening
to my former
guts.

i am paranoid
i thought
this is stupid
i thought
stop thinking this
i thought

then they told me

its true
i feel
i was right
i feel
it was all lies
i feel

five am

i thought i was done
with this, but this
vicious cycle will
never end and I
hardly see an end
in sight.
these days
were supposed
to be over
but they will
never end
and i will be
taken advantage
of no matter how
much i say
no

-thurs: got wasted and puked up my guts
-fri: beginning of my weekend off, worked all day
-sat: day two of weekend off, worked all day
-sun: day three of weekend off, going in at 5am
-the gods are punishing me for thurs.

fuck
people
im not really afraid
to say it...
...i hate my life right now
and every weekend.
there is nothing
for me here
i just want to
run away and
return when i
don't need to.

stones and honey
like dead sweetness
amid foggy mist
in freezing cold
grass fields
where will the
day bring and
when will this change
5am
how could i ever know...

you'll have to excuse me

Dear Bartender,
I know that our most
recent correspondence
has been quite jovial.
In fact, I can't remember
a time this wasn't very
happy, except for one
horribly annoying day
involving elderly crabbiness
and their english muffins.
Which is why you'll be
rather perturbed to hear
of my recent misfortune.
What is it? I won't put it
in some eloquent prose.
No. Instead I'll just come
out with it.
This evening...
...I'm ordering a Martini.
A very large one. Plain.
Please, save the flavoring.
It's not going to make the
taste any different.
Please, don't tell me
that I'll enjoy a flavored
martini. It won't make
me rationalize that fact
that I'm consuming something
that has the same effect on
my health as gasoline.
Straight gasoline.
So, regardless of weather
you fill the glass with
gasoline or with a plain
martini, I'll drink it.
Because at the end of the day
A martini is a martini.
And I'd personally enjoy it
much better plain.
I may be back in the future
for more wine, more beer,
more merriment, more happy
times. I'll may be back tomorrow,
I have no idea where tomorrow
is going to take me.
Just like, I didn't expect
to order a martini tonight.
Although, I've been planning
on ordering for a while.

So that's it. Not very Earth-shattering.
I'm sorry I've taken you
away from the other customers,
your job. But I know you
have your quiet pleasure in
reading my random letters to you.
And, my dear
friend
make me up
a martini

And remember, things are
always okay with me. Even if
I order a martini, things are okay.
And if they aren't, remember
they will be
soon enough.
And I'll remember the
same for you.
Best,
-Professor.

every time i'm up here

it's
cold
up here.
i'm standing
on the needle
of a really high
building. so cold
freezing my ass off
in this wind and i can
see to my left, no one is
there, and to my right, alone
behind and in front, emptiness.
i think i deserve to be on the
ground with you and with
the traffic and the many
different people out
there in the little
world of ours
or yours
or mine
but i
really
just want to jump off and see what happens
.....
....
...
..
.

but its quite
alright
i can see
them from
up here
and i can barely
hear it all but
i can. and i know.
i know the importance
i know the connections
its much clearer when you're
up here. it looks much smaller
from up here. i wish you'd join
me to see the how small they all
are. the cars honking and the
people buying and talking.
and from down there it
always seems so important
and so lasting. as if it will always be
this way and people will always think
and point at the kid up on the top of
the building. but here i am just
standing up, watching them point
watching them try to figure it
out in there little brains.
watch them wonder weather
or not i care if i stand up here.
weather or not they think
i know what they're thinking

and once they realize
i don't care
once they realize i
am proud to be here
i watch them walk away
they go back to their
families and forget
about the kid looking
down at them.

they forget.
and so do i.
time carries on
with itself.
and the moment
where they thought
poorly of me
disappears.
and so does the
day i stood on top
of that building

and so do i.

"a person's a
person, no
matter how
small" dr.s

deadlines

i can barely breath
from up here
so high my
eyeballs want to
pop out of my
suffocating brain
at the top of the
library among
thousands of books,
streaming over papers
and deadlines and the
sheer fright that
it'll never get done,
the assurance that they
always do, the plan of
how to do all of this
in such a short amount of
time.
So many before
and so many among me
yet i need some way
to follow
and generate the
craft being handed down.
generate a new craft
and make the many
principles and practices
become my own
unique way
something standing
robust, functioning,
and beautiful.
Is there time?
was this wasted?

I need to build
something
with words.
Starting at
the bottom
where
is the
top?

"Do you mean to tell me that you're thinking seriously of building that way, when and if you are an architect?"
"Yes."
"My dear fellow, who will let you?"
"That's not the point. The point is, who will stop me?"
- The Fountainhead