opening what's closed

a small piece from a journal
i once finished and locked away
if i can be here for you in anyway
to talk to laugh to cry on my shoulder
let me write for you
because only you understand these words
we live in our writers world
and now i have someone to
share this piece with.
I read it now and i can't believe
i was wrote this one
so chilling:
-DAY 183-
"What just happened? Why is the world so off-balance? When do I stop?
When do I continue? All these horrible thoughts rushing through my head at the
wrong time in my life. I shouldn't be thinking these things until I am old and
forgotten, having spent my life in a retirement home next to the one
i was destined to be with. All of this rushing through my head on day one.
And now we are on day 183. I just graduated outside on the football field where
we spent eight years of gym glass playing soccer, football, or running, always
conversing the next story either one of us would write. Never realizing mine would be
about the person i was discussing it with. I can't believe I am here. I can't believe a
year went by so fast. I can't believe a life went by so fast. I can't believe I ate lunch
with that life every day since kindergarden. I can't believe that life forced me to write
about what I was much too uncomfortable writing about (for fear someone might find
it) I can't believe we're not on the same track of time. All people are on
different tracks of time. Every single person has a different set of
finger prints, different, DNA, different loves, and different set tracks of
time alloted. And yet, we strangely get involved with these people.
Each of us weaving ourselves in and out of one another's lives. And in those
183 days what have I learned? Life is not fragile; and those that claim it
is are drastically misunderstood, because the weak and strong have
equal chances of dying. Life is set like music:
it begins, it develops, it flourishes, and it ends.
Sometimes it takes 100 years.
Sometimes it takes 17.
I've learned to enjoy the moments with the person I'm with,
or not with, or whomever I love. Someday I will pick up these pieces,
put them back together and use them to dig myself out. I don't know
when. I don't know how to get someof the images out of my head...
for my sanity. And maybe they should stay there as a reminder that
I graduated quickly, I lived quickly, I loved without notice,
and I wrote with caution. The search for my place in the
universe will never end, but every man makes that search. I hope to
make mine slowly. To observe and not forget it
this time. Not take those that are weaving themselves in and out of my time here
for granted. And I won't lie this time. If I love you, you'll know it. Because thats all
I have. I feel like its a second chance to live the right way. I'm the lucky one.
One of those that can take a lesson from all of this.
I'm finished now. I'm going to close this book now. You've gotten me through this.
You. And you alone. I'll use another one of your kind when I need the help. Will I
ever come back to you? Someday. Someday I'll need you again. I feel it.
But you must go now so I can start the new chapters, college, love, children, aging,
death. Or none of it. All I ask is that you be there for me. And I'll be here for you."

"I have lived in the darkness for so long
I'm waitin' for the light to shine
Far beyond horizons I've seen
Beyond the things I've been
Beyond the dreams I've dreamed
Are the things I've done
In fact each and every one.
Are the way that I've been
taught to run" -r.miller