a day wasted

a day wasted
on declining
health
body aches
and a fever that
i didn't realize
i had thought
in the middle of the
night that the
house caught
fire
but then figured
i had a troublesome
fever thats left
me in bed on my
last weekend
off for a very long time

and i was supposed
to go to NYC today
because this is
the last weekend
i can go in a long
time.

but here i am
stuck.
what a bitch
i never get sick
the one
day out of the
entire year.

damnit...

i need a new job

or else i'm going to run away

seriously
there are some
seriously
retarded
people in this world

how difficult its it?

Friday & Saturday

oh dear god save us all
i feel like a little emo
kid that wants to be
depressed about everything

ugh

sorry for this little fucking rant
i'll calm down in a minute
i need to chill
i need to focus

i think today was the first day
in like...two years
or maybe three
that i sat down,
locked the door
and cried my eyes
out.

and now i'm going to unlock
the door, and forget
that i suck at everything
and forget
and chill
and focus
and move along
and have a
happy thanksgiving

i will watch
them in the
corner
planning their
multi-millions
in their young
decisive bodies
while I old and
gray will watch
and hope they never
grow old.

I hope i never
do. And I won't
ask what you'll
be when you grow
up. In fact, I'll hope
you never grow up
that you'll stay, waiting
for fun, living frivolously
kissing each other
and wide-eyed
breathing.
in that dimly
lit little eatery
in the middle
of nowhere
sipping a manhattan.

"They are illusions
they are not the solutions
they promised to me
the answer was here
all the time.
I love you
and hope
you love me." a.l.w

doubt the course

time may be the
thought of
everything you
might have
but i assure
you, if this year
if this life
experience
can move this
quickly
time is the only
thing we have
too much of
and not enough
of at the same time.

if i didn't
want to be
where i am
i'd disappear
i know that i
would. but i also
know that whatever
or whoever comes
at me or searches
my brain or my life
will find itself or
themselves
gazing at me.

why do i know this?
because if i could have
this much life in such
a small cram of time
how could i ever
doubt the course
of our place
in this wild
universe

alive again

heat and energy
lights burning
with magic of
the fireworks
in our eyes.

A friend I hadn't seen
in much too long attended.
"It was so nice to see you reprise"

i
am
alive
again

"I'm gonna go again
I'm gonna drive again
I'm gonna feel my heart
coming alive again
Before the parade
Passes by!!!" j.h.

losing myself

losing myself
wisking away
drudging on
moving somewhere
not foward
but trying
going this
way and
that way
and hanging
pieces and
waiting for
pieces and
being told
where to
move and
what to
do now.

depressed
discouraged
does not
begin to
describe it

since when
did my
world
become
cynical?

the finest year

scraping on
at the other
texts to maybe
find something
fresher about this
time around. looking
in every direction to get
something new remembering
that there maybe love out there
still, if not cold and abandoned for
a little while. this is the end of the
fantasy when in two weeks i
return to the life i am
working at, not
playing at. i
will miss
it all

this year
went by
so fast

south pacific auditions
meeting
"i've known you a few
short weeks and yet"
secret trips
parties
plans
love
levoy
foreigner
crunch week
new school
friends
new show

and once
we re-convene
weather it be
tomorrow
or a year from
tomorrow
let us gaze at the
star-crossed
pictures, but
not look
towards
the past
only the
future.
and see
the bright
marquees
in our eyes
ahead.

"But today, I've talked
to one equal to equal,
equal to equal. And, in
my opinion, the finest one
that ever lived."
-The Matchmaker, (Thorton Wilder)